Words

"In the deepest hour of the night, confess to yourself that you would die if you were forbidden to write. And look deep into your heart where it spreads its roots, the answer, and ask yourself, must I write?"

Lady Ga Ga's tattoo adorns her inner upper arm. It's a quote from Rilke's, apparently. I love Lady Ga Ga, I love writing and I love tattoos!

If I was forbidden to write, all these words would be floating around my head all the time and probably send me insane. They would be all queuing to get out and driving each other potty trying to compete with each other.

Words can make our day, brighten the hour, send our soul souring or they can break our hearts, destroy relationships, create havoc. They can be beautiful or ugly. They can feel nice on the tongue, in the mouth, the way they sound.

We need to watch the words we use or it could land us in trouble. They have to be politically correct in nature. They can start relationships or destroy them. Could we live without them?

They are part of our everyday existence. Could we live without words? Could we have a limited number of words given to us a day and only use those words we have been allocated? Will there ever be word police?

People and society can suppress our freedom of speech. We can be brought to task over our choice of words and criticised. We can be celebrated and made famous for the choice of words we use and the way we put them together.

There is nothing more beautiful than a sentence constructed in such a way that it makes us gasp with delight or joy or utter sadness.

Some words can not be taken back. Once out of the mouth they stay in the air around us, in our heads, in our ears, in our hearts. There they will linger for eternity and fade but always be there. To prick our hearts and make it bleed.

Some words need to be said over and over again to make us understand, confident and secure. They don't linger. They fade quickly and evaporate into the ether and leave us alone, floundering.

We need words like we air to breath. Without them we would suffer. We would shrivel and our souls would die. Our brains would dysfunction and hope would be lost.

If I were forbidden to write, I may not die but I would be a shadow, hollow and an empty vessel.I would be without my passion.

There but for the grace of God.

I have an interesting couple of days at work. I always root for my patients but this was somehow different. I know how fragile life can be but what if we took the wrong turn just once? Then where would we be?

Without divulging information the short of it is that this poor lady has had a fall from grace and ended up in quite a bad predicament. It could happen to any of us. Bad decisions, wrong turns.

We are all one step away if life goes bad and we don't know how to deal with it and use the wrong way to cope with life's crap. Then it just all comes tumbling down and one mistake after another turns us into something our family no longer recognize.

We can get the help but refuse it and continue to wreck our lives. One day we get a wake up call. Do we take it? Will we see it as a golden opportunity and turn our lives around?

I pray they do. I desperately hope they do.

Training cont.

The training was much easier today. Maybe because I ate well before? Yesterday was a real struggle and seemed to take forever and my coccyx hurt terribly! The key to the pain relief is brufen and paracetamol before getting on the bike. I also added in cod liver oil in today as my joints are very creeky!

I have managed to lose 8lbs in 3 weeks as well which is good as I have the 'Women v cancer' t-shirt to get into. Why don't I get a larger size? Well, I have the largest one! I swear they have swapped the 'xs' label and put in 'xl'!!! It'll be a tight fit even if I lose 3 stone more!

Next week training will be a bit tricky due to work. One night on, one off, two on. Think I'll be a bit knackered and I also need to fit an extra night in somewhere too. Such is life!

The gorilla pod arrived today to attach my video camera to the front of my bike for training sessions and while we are in Kenya!! I've been ordered not to film the others butts!

I saw an electric bike today in a shop window in town for the bargain price of £485!! There was a red one and a blue one with a rather pretty seat and shopping basket on the front. I was thinking they would be great for Kenya!! I could get one for when I'm an old biddy and get a p*ss pot so I can smoke me tabs whilst riding it about town hurling abuse at youngsters!! :0)

Training

So how is the build up to Kenya going? well, I've started training again (a little!) and dieting as I have a lot of baggage to shift and I don't want to be 'the fat bird at the back' I want to be the 'curvy girl at the back'!!

I have been given a turbo trainer and luckily have my racing bike is spare to put it on. I bought the bike thinking I would be faster on it but it's so uncomfortable and scares the bejesus out of me as I can't reach the brakes properly and the thin tyres send you off in any direction! So at least it's being put to good use.

I try and do an hour of interval training then use the next hour to get to 30 miles at least. I have managed this twice so far in two weeks so far! I kept getting interrupted by a small person the other day so gave up when Emerdale came on and then had to put SP to bed. I was getting cold and the hot bath SP had left was too much of a temptation, so that was that. I aim to get on it tonight. I say aim.......Once I have my kit on I'm ok and hubby will be around to distract SP from interruptions. I thought having the static bike would be handy as I either end up just cleaning or doing not very much once SP is home but no it seems to attract her to me. Rather like when I'm on the 'phone. It's like she has a radar and knows the minute I'm unavailable that's the time to hound me!!

Interval training is supposed to melt away the fat quicker. That is providing one doesn't stuff one's gob before and after!! I'm following weight watchers and it's actually quite amazing how much one can graze through in a day when it isn't being counted!

I haven't been hungry but the food choice is somewhat limiting. Lots of protein, minimal carbs (not that I can eat many carbs anyway) There is only so much ham or tuna salad I can stomach. My favourite yoghurts are 5 points each!! Jeez. I'd rather go without!

At least fruit is 'free' and veg but it's so blooming expensive and I can get through a lot! I've also cut out all gluten again and my stomach pain has gone thankfully and I'm much less bloated. I was having abdo pain, headaches, bloating and indigestion. It's awful. But gluten free stuff is so calorific it's not worth cooking a spoon of pasta, which is all I can have in one meal.

I'll be glad to shift the weight. I said Christmas 2009 I would lose weight in 2010 and never really did. I would like a quick weight loss of course but that isn't healthy and I can't maintain it.

My coccyx have been giving me jip too. Not sure why. I haven't changed anything. Maybe it's just the weight issue putting more pressure through them? Anyway, it's ruddy painful!! Hope it abates before October! I know I'm in for pain doing the ride for sure but not that pain all the way through it!

Static biking is rather boring and the miles take forever to go through. I know it's not like road cycling as it's up me how fast/slow I go. Interval training does take the boredom out of it and clock up the miles but it hurts. I know I know, it's supposed to! Hopefully it will be a lot easier by October.

A great advantage to biking indoors is that the loo is to hand! I hate being out on a long ride and needing the loo. Especially until the hedges have fluffed up a bit. It's ok for men they just look like they are taking in the view. It's not too much of a big deal for them to get caught but getting caught with your cycling shorts around your ankles is not funny. It's very embarrassing.

There is one thing to my advantage being larger though is, and this is a well known fact, fat travels faster!! So on the down hills I'll be tanking and then the girls can catch me up and overtake on the up hills. Well that's my theory anyway! ha ha.



Right. School run done and cycling shorts in situ so therefore I best go and do some training! ttfn

Apt blog title

Seems I have come under fire in the last few days. I am all sorts including, a terrible mother, a crap nurse, more concerned with fund raising for cancer victims than my own child, oh and I also do fund raising to validate myself as a person!

It's at times like these when you realise who your friends are and what's been said about you. Thing is I've been wanting to end this toxic relationship for a while but hadn't the heart to do it. I felt I hadn't got a really good excuse other than she made me uncomfortable and was nasty about people and bossy and a bit of a bully. But I would never have the heart to say that to her, ever. Yet I received a tirade of abuse for no other reason than being a crap Mum. Now that she is a Mother I feel she is obsessed with it and that she is the best mother on this planet. All she ever talked about was her child. I can't remember what we used to talk about before but sleeping patterns and weaning! I had been there done that and found really boring but I listened as it is only polite to do so.

I opened up all my inner most troubles to this person and all I got back was abuse! I purposely didn't speak to her much during a time of trauma as I knew she wouldn't be supportive or understanding despite her saying on a couple of occasions 'you can talk to me about it you know'. Apparently I harped on about it night after night. I don't think I did. She was the last person I would ever do that to. We went away for a few days and I was going through some emotional trauma but I hid it as much as I could and tried to be jolly. I hardly ever talked about it but inside I felt ill and sick and desperate.

What kind of friend is that? My feeling quite clearly aren't worth mentioning. If the shoe was on the other foot I would no doubt have never heard the last of it and as a friend I would have listened patiently no matter how long she wanted to go on about it for. Indeed I have done with this particular friend on occasion. If they want to get it off their chest, that's what you do.

My other close friends asked when I said I hadn't been feeling well for weeks 'why didn't you say something?' I didn't want to go on about it. I didn't want to bore anyone. But apparently I did to her. I don't remember doing that but then I have 'selective memory' anyway.

She also said I should stop 'harping on' about the fact my Mum is dead and using it as an excuse for how I felt. She is very lucky she isn't in the same situation. She talks to her mum like something she scraped off her shoe.

As for my fund raising I do it for many reasons. I do it because I have lost someone close, my Mum (sorry for mentioning her) to cancer and don't think anybody should have to go through that. If I can do something about it I will. How many people sit on their backsides and do nothing for anyone else but themselves? You think it's selfish to put myself through a gruelling bike ride in 40 degree heat? I sit at home for hours (I have lots of free time) doing zilch and have done college courses, walked the dog and done the housework but is any of that for the greater good? No. It's just for me and my family. Now my daughter is older she is more independent and doesn't want Mum to play with. I am under house arrest at night, except when I work so I wanted to do something with my daytime hours. What is wrong with that?

I did put my daughter through a very unstable time and she saw me upset on numerous occasions and saw me treated badly (emotionally) by a man but now her home life is stable and grounded. I have to learn to be a better parent I know but there are no rule books and I do find parenting hard work. It's not how I thought it would be and to be honest, it's disappointing at times and very restrictive. I'm not sure what else I'd be doing if I wasn't a parent though? Probably trying to get pregnant and being jealous of those that are!! But I'm not sure that because I don't enjoy parenting as much as I thought I would that I don't deserve to be one.

My illness was put into question too by suggesting that I never wanted to get better and I used it as an excuse for everything. I know I have been poorly as now I feel much better. I did blame it for a lot of things but it is a very debilitating illness and if my friend felt the way I did at my lowest I would be there holding her hand not chastising her. It was a bit like being told by said ex friend to 'pull yourself together'. Not really a phrase anyone should hear from anyone, I feel.

I am reluctant now to tell anyone anything about the way I feel, ever. I will endeavour to hide it even more. Good for my child at least, she won't see me anything but 'perfect' mother. Her mother will learn to be a great actress!!

It hurts that someone you thought was your friend and wanted to hear your problems now throws it back in my face. I have stuck up her when people have been horrid about her (she's not popular at my place of work) I have had her dog (no one else would have her as she's hard work) while she went away even though she was in debt, I never said a word. I never said a word when she got together with a man a couple of weeks before she said she didn't fancy, then married him and had said child. I always thought 'oh well, good for you'. I have a list as long as my arm of things I have done for her but can't recall too many things she has done for me.

And I have paid the price. But at least I am now free of her toxic hold, even if it did end acrimoniously.

For once I agree with the Archbishop!!

I've changed my attitude to Christmas this year completely. Maybe it's because I'm skint, maybe it's because I've had a change of heart about it all. Something happened this year that made me change the way I feel about things in general. I'm not materialistic as such. I like nice things but we've never had money to throw around on expensive kit. In the past we have spent a fortune on each other but then just fills our houses with more tech and chargers.
This year we have bought ourselves, for Christmas and our birthdays, a weekend away to a log cabin and I cannot wait to just chill out with the family for 3 days.
It's been a manic year really. Lots of fundraising and no holiday together, so this weekend will be just for us on a mini holiday. Money and time have been tight so we never managed much time away this year at all.
One thing I have realised is that the gifts of charity and compassion go much further than jewellery, or something that won't last more than a week. Charity and compassion cost nothing but a little effort.

Last night the unit was busy with some very poorly patients, as you would expect, but these patients have been really really sick. Sad cases, young patients critically ill. Nervous families unsure what they should be doing on Christmas eve whilst their loved one is so sick
and hanging on to life by a thread at the mercy of medical care. Thankfully they made it through the night but at the last minute a young lady was bought in having given birth prematurely to her baby at 32 weeks because of a treatable flu. It breaks my heart. I actually watched midnight mass last night and prayed for a young mans life and I sit at home in comfort with my family overindulging, thinking about these people.

I felt awful that my child would wake up without me there but in perspective the sick folk and my colleagues were in more need than my overindulged daughter!! I hope she can grow up with empathy and compassion and realise that Christmas is the perfect opportunity to give a little more of ourselves and think a little less about ourselves for once.
Merry Christmas x x

this time last year

This time 2 years ago, granny died. I was spending the day with a man I should not have been with. Someone who didn't really care what was going on. Who knows what he wanted out of me?

A year later I was spending time alone at home with flu while this man took another lover. I was heart broken and confused and suspicious. I was right.

This year, my husband has taken me back and I'm baking cakes to raise money for 3 women's cancer charities. I'm not wallowing in grief and self pity. I miss Gran more than ever but I know she's in a better place. Like me. A much better place.