Thursday, 6 January 2011

Apt blog title

Seems I have come under fire in the last few days. I am all sorts including, a terrible mother, a crap nurse, more concerned with fund raising for cancer victims than my own child, oh and I also do fund raising to validate myself as a person!

It's at times like these when you realise who your friends are and what's been said about you. Thing is I've been wanting to end this toxic relationship for a while but hadn't the heart to do it. I felt I hadn't got a really good excuse other than she made me uncomfortable and was nasty about people and bossy and a bit of a bully. But I would never have the heart to say that to her, ever. Yet I received a tirade of abuse for no other reason than being a crap Mum. Now that she is a Mother I feel she is obsessed with it and that she is the best mother on this planet. All she ever talked about was her child. I can't remember what we used to talk about before but sleeping patterns and weaning! I had been there done that and found really boring but I listened as it is only polite to do so.

I opened up all my inner most troubles to this person and all I got back was abuse! I purposely didn't speak to her much during a time of trauma as I knew she wouldn't be supportive or understanding despite her saying on a couple of occasions 'you can talk to me about it you know'. Apparently I harped on about it night after night. I don't think I did. She was the last person I would ever do that to. We went away for a few days and I was going through some emotional trauma but I hid it as much as I could and tried to be jolly. I hardly ever talked about it but inside I felt ill and sick and desperate.

What kind of friend is that? My feeling quite clearly aren't worth mentioning. If the shoe was on the other foot I would no doubt have never heard the last of it and as a friend I would have listened patiently no matter how long she wanted to go on about it for. Indeed I have done with this particular friend on occasion. If they want to get it off their chest, that's what you do.

My other close friends asked when I said I hadn't been feeling well for weeks 'why didn't you say something?' I didn't want to go on about it. I didn't want to bore anyone. But apparently I did to her. I don't remember doing that but then I have 'selective memory' anyway.

She also said I should stop 'harping on' about the fact my Mum is dead and using it as an excuse for how I felt. She is very lucky she isn't in the same situation. She talks to her mum like something she scraped off her shoe.

As for my fund raising I do it for many reasons. I do it because I have lost someone close, my Mum (sorry for mentioning her) to cancer and don't think anybody should have to go through that. If I can do something about it I will. How many people sit on their backsides and do nothing for anyone else but themselves? You think it's selfish to put myself through a gruelling bike ride in 40 degree heat? I sit at home for hours (I have lots of free time) doing zilch and have done college courses, walked the dog and done the housework but is any of that for the greater good? No. It's just for me and my family. Now my daughter is older she is more independent and doesn't want Mum to play with. I am under house arrest at night, except when I work so I wanted to do something with my daytime hours. What is wrong with that?

I did put my daughter through a very unstable time and she saw me upset on numerous occasions and saw me treated badly (emotionally) by a man but now her home life is stable and grounded. I have to learn to be a better parent I know but there are no rule books and I do find parenting hard work. It's not how I thought it would be and to be honest, it's disappointing at times and very restrictive. I'm not sure what else I'd be doing if I wasn't a parent though? Probably trying to get pregnant and being jealous of those that are!! But I'm not sure that because I don't enjoy parenting as much as I thought I would that I don't deserve to be one.

My illness was put into question too by suggesting that I never wanted to get better and I used it as an excuse for everything. I know I have been poorly as now I feel much better. I did blame it for a lot of things but it is a very debilitating illness and if my friend felt the way I did at my lowest I would be there holding her hand not chastising her. It was a bit like being told by said ex friend to 'pull yourself together'. Not really a phrase anyone should hear from anyone, I feel.

I am reluctant now to tell anyone anything about the way I feel, ever. I will endeavour to hide it even more. Good for my child at least, she won't see me anything but 'perfect' mother. Her mother will learn to be a great actress!!

It hurts that someone you thought was your friend and wanted to hear your problems now throws it back in my face. I have stuck up her when people have been horrid about her (she's not popular at my place of work) I have had her dog (no one else would have her as she's hard work) while she went away even though she was in debt, I never said a word. I never said a word when she got together with a man a couple of weeks before she said she didn't fancy, then married him and had said child. I always thought 'oh well, good for you'. I have a list as long as my arm of things I have done for her but can't recall too many things she has done for me.

And I have paid the price. But at least I am now free of her toxic hold, even if it did end acrimoniously.