Tuesday, 25 August 2009


What makes us love someone? or indeed what is love? we know it's that feeling we get inside when our guts do somersaults and we can't eat or sleep and we become 'sick'. We walk around with silly grins on our faces and our head in the clouds. But what is happening inside?

Endorphins and all that are released but how and why? What makes that leaping feeling in our chests when we hear t he voice of our loved one and why them? why not everyone we meet? what attracts us to them in particular? Yes, looks and traits and things they say and do help but why do some people like blondes and others like dark hair? One person is capable of finding all sorts of traits attractive so why not all traits? all shapes and sizes?

What makes a person so smitten with one person that they can't concentrate or do anything and they are consumed by thoughts of that one person all the time. Just to breathe them in again and touch them and feel them touching you. Why that person? What is it about the touch of that person that sends tingles down our spines and our hearts feel full to bursting?

How do we turn it off? How do we stop it happening? Why are some of us more prone to falling in love than others? If only we had a switch to turn it off. What happens when that love isn't reciprocated? or you can't be together like Cathy and Heathcliffe? Does Romeo (or Juliet) really exist?

We can live in hope that they do I guess and maybe one day find them. Maybe it's that thought that keeps us going from day to day that our night in shining amour is out there? Are there soul mates? Does that exist? Are there 2 halves to every person really or are we supposed to independant and having a partner just enhances our lives? Obviously without them we would not necessarily be able to have children, although these days you don't need a man to get pregnant!

And why does that feeling of utter love desolve over time? why can't it last forever? What's that all about?

How would we survive without it? Can we actually die of a broken heart. I do believe we can and do suffer physical pain due to heartbreak and loss but why? I suppose if that feeling of love lasted then so would the feeling of pain and that's just not a nice concept. But the feeling of loss and pain does seem to last months and sometimes years, longer than the feeling of love ever could I think. But why? What is it inside? Is it our brains that perpetuates the feelings so we suffer longer? Can we talk ourselves into feeling better? Well, yes to a certain extent thanks to behaviouralk therapy etc but I believe there are people out there who cannot move forward and hold a candle for that love of their lives forever and never love again. What if by accident that happens to yourself and then you are stuck in limbo for the rest of your life?......

Friday, 17 July 2009


My lovely doggy has gone forever. Prematurely so. I had her from a pup and she was so cute. Like a teddy bear. My pal.
She's always been a snappy and my daughter has been victim of a few near misses in the past because of pulling her about and not doing as she's told. But stupidly I let her carry on sleeping on my daughters bed. She hates being disturbed whilst she's in bed. Monday night my daughter is faffing about in her room as usual for ages then shouts down to me ' mummy I need a cuddle' I thought she was just using her usual tactics on me to get to stay up.

I just told her to go back to bed. I picked her up from school the following day to see some grazes and a scab on her cheek. It looked awful. She told me she fell out of bed. I didn't believe her. I never even thought that Trump would have done it. She eventually told me she was teasing the dog by blowing on her and she growled at her but my daughter didn't stop so Trump went for her.

She didn't tell me the truth because she knew I'd take Trump away. It all happened so quickly. I 'phoned the vets for advice and it was quite clear what I was going to have to do. I couldn't look at Trump wednesday morning as I knew she would see the pain and betrayal in my eyes. I felt terrible. But I needed to protect my daughter. It could have been so much worse and I don't want to be another headline in the paper and ruin Hope's life with scars on her face.

The vet said bring her down. So we went at 11. She was sedated and quickly fell asleep in my arms at 11.15. The vet took her away and put her to sleep.

I can't believe she's gone. She was such a funny dog. So lively. Feisty, like myself. Never annoyed me or made me sad. Only guilty when I didn't take her out for walks and that as her owner I didn't protect her and keep her safe. She looked at me with such appealing eyes in the surgery. 'please mum let's go home'.

No more tinkling collar and waggy tail. Ball throwing and chasing footballs and cats. Diving into lakes covering herself in weed. No more doggy walks. I'm getting a new bike and so looking forward to going for a big ride with her. Just me and Trump. It's not to be.

I know I've done the right thing but there are so many what if's....
Most of my passwords relate to her. Even my user name has her name in it. It will get easier I know. I just can't believe it's happened so fast and she's gone. I wished I'd cuddled her a bit more before she went but I was affraid she would sense my guilt. Unfortunately Cher keeps playing in my head 'if i could turn back time'. I wish I could. It can't be undone now. It's too late. 8 years have flown by. There will never be another Trumpet woo.

Tuesday, 31 March 2009

Neccessary evils.

1. Keys. Can't live without them but they are a pain in the arse. You can never find them (at least I can't!!) You need so many too! and I don't know about you but how many pockets can there be for them to hide in???

2. Wee'ing. Takes up far too much time and it's at the most inconvenient time too. Just get in from the supermarket and dragging in the bags and you're dying for a pee! Why is that? Why do girls always need to pee as soon as they arrive somewhere too. Do our bladders know we have arrived at the destination, the bar or the shops? Think it's a bladder conspiracy. Especially when you have just got comfy in bed and snug and warm and it's cold outside the duvet and your bladder decides to rear it's head!!

3. Bra's. Expensive, and sometimes bloody uncomfortable. But they look good and boys like them but sometimes would be so nice to go without one for the day.....if you're brave enough.

4. Hair. Looks great when it's done but bad hair days are a pain in the butt. All the products needed for them too!

5. Being a girl. Just for the fact that being a girl requires tons of products, cleanser, toner, moisturiser, hand cream, lip balm, lip stick, nail files, hair products, wrinkle cream (when your skin starts to object to your age), body cream, hair dye, reward cards, hand bags, shoes, nice clothes, nice undies, make up, deodorant, perfume, BRA's!! the list goes on and I'm not even high maintainance!!

6. Sleep. I love sleep but sometimes it would be so nice just be able to go without it for days so I could have a good time, get drunk, recover, work, clean, shop and cook all in one go!

7. Men. Need I say more???

8. Eating. What a pain that is sometimes? Great when you have the time to sit in a nice restaurant in great company and chill but day to day? What the heck shall we have to for tea tonight and is it ok to give the kids pizza again for tea tonight??

9.Bog roll. Simply cannot live without it. I know some cultures do but we are just not used to that. Where is the magic bog roll fairy when you need it??

10. There must be another one to round it up??

Thursday, 12 March 2009


Thousands of people suffer from this illness or disorder or whatever you like to call it. The person sitting next to you or sleeping next to you at night may be a sufferer. A person who was once so happy and carefree may suddenly become down and negative. Or that friend of yours who always sees the bad in things just got worse.

Maybe it's you? Maybe you're the one that's suffering? Is that why you are reading this? No-one is immune. Everyone can suffer at some point in their lives. It can just sneak up and hit you like a ton of bricks. You may only suffer one episode. You may have been suffering for months or years. Are you struggling and don't know what to do? Where to turn?

It's hard, to find any help, anywhere. I searched and searched and found nothing. I had no emails back from sources designed to help people like me in that situation. I rang support groups and left messages and received nothing in return. But maybe I wasn't supposed to find the support there because eventually I found the right help. I do believe, a bit, in fate. Was it that?

I've suffered for years and through a bad experience with a psychiatrist when I was in my teens, it put me off mental health professionals for a long time. I had no choice but to see a psychiatrist when I was pregnant, as I was so ill. It restored my faith in mental health care. That one episode as a teenager left a mark for such a long time that I struggled on for years not getting the right help. My GP (several in fact) were less than helpful and I have to admit I felt persecuted to some degree. One GP thought it was odd I didn't want medication for my depression and said 'it's a bit like a vegetarian going into a butchers' !! Meaning why had I come to the surgery if I didn't want pills?? He laughed rather snidely I have to say and I went home and cried.

Another GP wanted to know if I was feeling suicidal, why hadn't I killed myself? In tears and desperate I screamed 'because I have a child'. Having a child may stop me trying to do something harmful to myself but won't take away the feeling. He sat back in his chair and I swear if he'd put his feet on the desk and his hands behind his head I wouldn't have been at all surprised. I only went to ask him to change my medication. I had no energy. I couldn't sleep properly at night, yet I could sleep all day. I had no interest in anything. I struggled through each day. No life, barely an existence. All I wanted was a little help.

He refused to help. He said I needed to change my life in order to feel better. I had. I had given up my job. Removed a source of stress which I couldn't cope with. But it wasn't the long term answer. I loved my job but with everything else going on in my life I just couldn't cope with it as well. I was fortunate enough to have a husband who could support (financially) but ironically had he been more supportive in the first instance, at home etc then I wouldn't have had to give up work.

My job involves working with people who may have tried, and some cases, succeeded to tale their own lives. Have you ever felt that low that you've even considered it? No matter what? The pain inside just needs to stop, you need to stop thinking, stop feeling this pain. Is that so selfish? yes, probably, because your leaving the world will not be a good thing. There will be better days. There will be better weeks and there will be be some damn fine moments left to experience. So how to stop this feeling?? There's no easy answer. Drugs helped me. As in antidepressants, not illegal ones! But finding the right dose and type can be a mine field and thew side effects can be off putting. You can actually feel worse than better on first starting the meds. The meds get put on the shelf and we battle on. You've tried medication and 'it doesn't work'.

There is also therapy. Accessing it is a nightmare and what if the therapist doesn't suit you? It took me years to find the right one and then it was by chance almost. I probably did find the right therapist years ago but i didn't believe what she was telling me and went home every time in tears and detraught. It turned out she was right but I jsut wouldn't listen. You can take a horse to water......

Depression can be caused by a number of triggers, reactionary (sometimes called non-melancholic depression) to an event such as a death, divorce, redundancy etc, chronic clinical depression(major), sometimes depression isn't caused by any particular thing we can think of (endogenous), dysthymia, fantatstically called 'mental water torture' by John McManamy http://www.mcmanweb.com/dysthymia.html , which is not as severe as major depression but carries on for at least 2 years and there are more 'bad' days than 'good'.

Depression can be measured by a professional on a scale usually by using the 'Beck' depression scale or HADS (hospital anxiety and depression score) or sometimes the DSM-IV scale although personally I have never been to my knowledge assessed on this scale.

Which ever form you have, which ever severity it will probably be up to you to sort it out. How? Who knows. Not much help eh? Well it was trial and error for me. First, I had to go to my GP to be signed off. As I have said before, they were not the most helpful. You can only sometimes go on what your GP says if you know nothing about your illness, and it is yours. No one elses. Everyone is different. Do your research so you know what optuions are available. If you feel up to it. If you don't, then you are probably suffering quite a major depression (that is not meant to replace a diagnosis, merely advice) anyhow you need help.

Your GP might be reluctant to sign you off especially if there is not a 'cause' for your illness but insist if you feel it will help just that little bit until you can get some other help in place. Don't go into hiding if you are signed off. Use the time to get the help you need. Be around friends who are gentle with you and won't judge you. Do things that make you feel a little better. A magazine? A coffee at the coffee shop? A sleep? Try and avoid comfort eating, alcohol and overuse of caffeine. No need to tell you, it's a no brainer eh? It won't help only cause more destress in the long run. Try not to go out comfort spending either that won't help unless you have loads of money. Getting into debt will not help either. When you are well, and you will be, you don't want a mountain of debt to clear and 2 stone to lose. Alcohol just gives you hangovers and anxiety attacks and you don't want to develope a dependence either.

I have continual cycles of over spending and then paying it off and I go through phases of eating too much and then having to lose the weight and sleeping too much, which is a real pain in the ass when there's things to be done. Sometimes I can't drink alcohol at all, this is usually when I'm coming in or going out of a major depression. I have melancholic depression with bouts of major depression thrown on. I'm a great person to be around!!

Seriously, one thing which saved my life and turned it around is cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). I still use the techniques even when I feel really low. Thanks to CBT there is always hope now. Always. I used a CBT workbook which really helped and my therapist was fantastic. Sadly she has moved on now and access to her is not possible. I know there will be good days. I know it because I have felt them. I use medication because it helps my symptoms. But it's not for everyone. But don't give up at the first hurdle. Give them chance to work and if they don't work try another one (some drugs are now consultant only prescription and sadly not everyone unless you beg or are really ill will you have access to psychiatry).

Above all, accept things and don not give in to it.Ever.

Thursday, 15 January 2009


There is a constant in our lives that has now been taken away forever. The door was always open and the kettle was always on.

We shared love, laughter, good times and bad. Memories such as sunday dinners, sleep overs, ten pee mixes, fresh veg out of grandads garden and freshly baked cakes will be with us forever. Granny shared everything she had with anyone at any time and would give you her last penny if she thought you needed it.

She was known in the village by a lot of people and I'm sure her presence will be sadly missed.

Granny loved her children, Carol, Wendy and Linda. Her grandchildren and great grandchildren. She was an animal lover and there were always animals around. They would come to her doorstep and never left. A safe and warm place to live out their lives.

She will now be with her beloved husband John, father, grandad and great grandad and Carol, our mum, granny to Edison and Hope, who she sadly never met. Sister to Linda and Wendy, Aunty, and wife of Les our dad.

Together now for eternity. Forever in our hearts and in our precious memories. This may be the end of an era but it was an era full of joy.