Saturday, 23 August 2008

tenna lady and farts

I'm sick of feeling like Jabba the huts younger sister so I decided to embark on a diet. I've been on weight watchers twice and successfully lost weight and slimming world once and lost a few pounds but it keeps coming back and with some friends too. Basically I love my food which translates to being a greedy pig.

I didn't fancy any 'slow' diet such as WW or slimming world again. I'd joined WW with a friend from work a few weeks ago and gave up after a few weeks coz I can't help myself especially at my Grans where chocolate is in abundance ( I go there most days and my resolve is non existant). I was sick of going on a diet in the morning then ruining it on nights at work.

I'd heard of lighter life and knew a couple of people who'd done it and the results were amazing but after googling it I came across a diet that didn't need a GP approval ( I hate going to the doctors) and my BMI wasn't quite enough(!) so I opted for this (also expensive) alternative. I ordered it online and it arrived the next day!

The diet involves 3 shakes a day and 1 soup and 1 meal. When I say meal it is a loose term coz thats not what I call a meal!! But then that's why I'm in this mess in this instance! The first few days were torture particularly as I had to make my daily rations last 24 hours as I work night shifts. To make matters worse the badgers at work had a curry. I had a look and a sniff and when offered a smidge of it I couldn't say no but it was only a mouth full and a bit of naan bread (not supposed to eat bread as it is!). weird also that I never used to like curry at all either. I was forced to go to a curry house after a night on the booze with some nursey friends and had a mushroom something or other (I was veggie at the time). The next day I woke up and physically craved the stuff so I waited all day for the curry house to open and ordered the same as the night before and from that day I was totally hooked. Curry also does nothing for the size of my bum unfortunately.

The diet is a very low calorie one, about 850 cals/day, which is about a third of what I usually eat. So at first it was going to be hard. I also have dodgy guts as it is so after a couple of days I started to notice my guts were hurting and I was producing enough gas to put British Gas out of business, plus my charcoal tablets weren't doing their job and keeping the parps under wraps. I would need to take out shares in British coal to help and my presence was being noticed everywhere! I asked a colleague of mine who is a fitness fanatic if a protein caused the squits and she said no it usually worked the other way. What on earth was causing the problem then?

A while back whilst on WW I used to buy their sweets and when I had the munchies I would trough a packet whilst watching TV but suffer with wind after. It was the artificial sweetner in them that was causing the problem. I remember once having some sugar free jelly teddy bears at the cinema when I was on a sugar free health kick and by the end of the film I was in agony and was farting like a trouper. I checked the ingredients of the shakes and discovered 3 out of the 4 shakes had aspartame in them. The crunch came when I went to work that night. I decided to cycle as it had rained the night before so I'd used the car. I'd had very little sleep and I had a headache and guts ache and the unit hadn't been busy so although I was tired I was not as knackered I usually am and I hadn't had much exercise so I thought I'd better force myself to go on my bike. It's not far and I've worked out a way through the houses that doesn't require too much up hill work which after a night shift is not fun!

I limped into work and thought I was going to pass out. I looked like death. Even at my illest (is that a word?) I never look ill. But that night I did. They'd already started handover so after I went to get a drink of water and came back. All the girls noticed I was pale and started talking about the diet I was on. I tried to tell them it was the aspartame that was causing the problem but they wouldn't listen. Needless to say after 12 hours off the shakes I felt so much better and avoiding the ones with aspartame in I was able to carry on with it. The company even agreed to change the ones I couldn't tolerate with the ones I could which is cool coz it costs a fortune!!

A few days later though and although I'm sticking to this diet which includes not drinking milk (which means black tea and coffee only). I drink gallons of tea so I thought I'd really flounder but black coffee is my new brew of choice. The pounds aren't shifting and I'm getting a bit frustrated and wondering why I bother and pissed coz I've spent all that money. I was discussing it with a colleague when she suggests maybe I'm 'holding a bit of fluid' which turns on a lightbulb coz when I did WW I used to take aquaban on the morning of the weigh in so I could shift a few pounds (well at least one) and it mostly worked so I went home that morning and left instructions with his nibs to get me some aquaban from the shops (not to come back empty handed though if he couldn't get it, his nibs needs specific instructions or it all goes to pot). I thought I'd be asleep all day but I woke up at 12.30 and keen to see if the aquaban would work I popped a couple (his nibs did good). I then got dressed and got ready to go to Dads to pick up Hope, I had to pee before I left. I got to Dads about 20 mins later, I pee'd again. About 20 mins later another pee!! Wow, only trouble being my pelvic floor isn't what it used to be so maybe tenna lady may well be a good investment (too much information???). Nights renders my sleeping pattern awash anyway but aquaban contains caffeine also. So that night I was wide awake at 1 a.m so I had to resort to nytol. Not ideal following mildly in the footsteps of Elvis Presley. Up/down/up/down. Is this all worth it?

The next day I weighed myself, I'd lost 5 lbs! excellent. So the weight loss began to take hold. So far 7.5 lbs in 11 days. Superb.

The diet is going great, British coal haven't got a new investor and British Gas needn't worry about being put out of business either plus I now I only feel like Demis Roussos' younger sister rather than Jabba the huts'!
FOOT NOTE: I only used aquaban a couple of times not everyday and i drink tons so dehydration is not a problem. It can be dangerous to take too many duiretics and not drink enough (before anyone points that out!).

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