Friday, 30 April 2010

Blasphemous rumours

It just isn't fair is it? There I am struggling at times with dark thoughts of suicide and death and how I can't go on and another women in the country, my home town, my street is being diagnosed with cancer. How bloody fair is that? I wanted to die and they don't.

Well, I didn't really want to die. I wanted the emptiness to end. I wanted to find a way out. What choice does a person with a diagnosis of cancer have? None. They can stay positive and hopeful but they are at the mercy of the gp, to get the right specialist in time. The specialist, the surgeon, the radiographer, the nurses, the hospital etc etc the list goes on.

What am I at the mercy of? Myself and the doctor who prescibes the drugs, albeit the right drugs. The sepcialist if i need to see one. That's it, that's all I have to battle.

How very unfair.


l'optimiste said...

no-one wants to die, well, in an ordinary world. But each of us is frightened by the 'currently' most scary thing that is happening to us. And lots of scary things happen. Some things we can control - others, not so much.

Cancer sucks totally, but there is an element of control for us. We aren't really at 'the mercy' of the medical world. They are there for us. And in my personal experience, they are wonderful. They saved my life - can't ask more than that. We are more at the mercy of the cancer - and ourselves. WE HAVE to remain positive. We cannot let it beat us.

You will, at some point, find the strength that you need. Or the person that will make everything seem different. A friend maybe. A lover - what or whoever. In the meantime, your demons are as hard to battle as mine.

I'm glad we 'met'. I love your sense of humour. I like your transparency.

Life's not unfair - it's what you make it - we need to partay girl!! And we will! ;o)


purpletrumpet said...

you are totally right of course. Someone at work called a mentally ill patient who took sn overdose selfish. I agree in some respects but it's not that simple. Some people are and don't give a damn. They give a bad name to those who are genuinely in turmoil.

I say that ' sufferers' are at the mercy of the health service I guess because I'm seeing it from the worst end of the scale. People who have slipped through the net.
And speak from personal experience when I had to throw a strop to get my mum admitted. Same for the person mentioned above. She had to fight to get her mum taken seriously but sadly it was too late for her.

Your positivity shines from you. You are an inspiration.