Monday, 25 August 2008

90 degree galaxy pooing

Whilst in Egypt this year I warned his nibs not to eat anything that wasn't hot, didn't looked cooked or was uncooked. Cold meats were ok as long as it wasn't chicken but then even hot chicken can be dodgy. Hope and I stuck to rice and stuff and steered clear of the meats although I couldn't resist the freshly cooked fish.

Coca cola is a good tonic for cleaning the guts. We used to use it on tubes that go into stomachs if they were blocked on the intensive care unit coz it dissolves the blockage! Imagine what it does to your guts? Whenever I've had bad guts on holiday in the past I have resorted to a glass or 2 of coke and it's helped. So we drank mostly coke whilst away. Didn't do anything for Hope's attention deficit but at least she wasn't having dodgy guts.

Bruce decided one night in his wisdom despite my warnings that the smoked salmon looked good. He wouldn't listen and he not only had one lot but 2! He wasn't drinking too much coke either so trouble was a foot.

The next morning even though I had my ear plugs in ( I always wear them or I may have to kill his nibs for breathing!) and I could not only hear but feel his guts rumbling in bed next to me. His eyelids flew open and he hopped out of bed with a look of terror. He trotted to the toilet like a man with a million pound note between his bum cheeks and 20 minutes later he emerged 10 lbs lighter. Unfortunately the room didn't have an extractor fan in the loo so the smell came with him!!

2 seconds later he headed back in the loo and stayed there for a further half an hour. Came out for 2 seconds, went back in for half an hour etc etc. This carried on for a bit but unfortunately on this day we were short on loo roll and his nibs delicate bum was getting sore. After all the loo roll had nearly ran out and he decided it was just easier to get in the shower.

At this stage his large bowel was empty and his small bowel contents was steaming towards his sphincter like a melted chocolate freight train. He thinks he's going to fart but instead he follows through and not just a little. Molten galaxy poo shoots out over the taps. 'Oh my god' I said 'what are you doing?'

He says 'I can't hold it in. I thought it was just a fart'. I'm trying to get ready at this point and the stench is gross and I'm stuck in there trying to have a wee and stuff. His nibs bends over to clean the taps and more shoots out his bum at 90 degrees all over the back of the bath where are sponges are sat.

'oh no I've shat on the sponges' he says.
'Bloody hell fire man. What are we supposed to use to wash with now?' I say. He turns round to pick them up to attempt to wash them and shits on the taps again.
'What the hell are you doing?' I ask him watching him wash out the sponges. ' we can't use them again, you've shat on them. Give them here'. I take them and chuck them in the bin. Hope then joins us.
'what has Daddy shat on mummy?' she asks.
His nibs and I titter then tell her not to say that word. But she knows what it means!
'Our sponges' I tell her and she wants to see the sponges and I tell her they are in the bin, she goes to look and put her hand in the bin. 'no leave them there!' I shout.
'but I want to see mummy' she says.
I shimmy her out the bathroom. meanwhile mr 90 degree poo bum is still at it and I decide to leave him to it. I can't breath anymore and need some air.

I say I'll come back and see him later and head with Hope to the pool. I put a sign on the door not to diturb. God forbid some poor soul should have their nostrils assaulted too.

Hope and I are making our way to the pool when Hope pipes up. 'I wish Daddy hadn't shat on my sponge Mummy. What am I going to use to wash with now?'

I shake my head. I give up.

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