I want to ask my mum stuff about me and my childhood. But I can't. She isn't here anymore. Wretched cancer. A friend said yesterday 'what goes around comes around' when talking about what a little shite I was as a child. Well if that's the case I'm screwed. I was a devil and got worse as a teenager.
I never thought I'd be like my mum was when I became a mum but I'm just like her in some respects. She hated school plays and it upset me when she didn't enjoy coming to see me perform but now that shoe is on my foot I totally understand.
I wonder what she really thought of me? I tell Hope how I'm feeling and how she makes me feel all the time so she'll grow up knowing at least what went on inside my head. Maybe she couldn't actually tell me because it would have been hurtful but she never once told me she loved me even when I sobbed on her chest that I loved her as she was dying. She just said ' I know you do, I know'. Maybe that was her way of telling me she loved me? But if I love someone I tell them and I don't band it around like it's in abundance.
You get into my heart and you'll stay there for a very long time if not forever and I would do anything for you within my power to make life ok for you.
Guess I will just have to wonder about Mum. I hope in the future less and less people have to sit and wonder about their parents who died too young.