For once I agree with the Archbishop!!

I've changed my attitude to Christmas this year completely. Maybe it's because I'm skint, maybe it's because I've had a change of heart about it all. Something happened this year that made me change the way I feel about things in general. I'm not materialistic as such. I like nice things but we've never had money to throw around on expensive kit. In the past we have spent a fortune on each other but then just fills our houses with more tech and chargers.
This year we have bought ourselves, for Christmas and our birthdays, a weekend away to a log cabin and I cannot wait to just chill out with the family for 3 days.
It's been a manic year really. Lots of fundraising and no holiday together, so this weekend will be just for us on a mini holiday. Money and time have been tight so we never managed much time away this year at all.
One thing I have realised is that the gifts of charity and compassion go much further than jewellery, or something that won't last more than a week. Charity and compassion cost nothing but a little effort.

Last night the unit was busy with some very poorly patients, as you would expect, but these patients have been really really sick. Sad cases, young patients critically ill. Nervous families unsure what they should be doing on Christmas eve whilst their loved one is so sick
and hanging on to life by a thread at the mercy of medical care. Thankfully they made it through the night but at the last minute a young lady was bought in having given birth prematurely to her baby at 32 weeks because of a treatable flu. It breaks my heart. I actually watched midnight mass last night and prayed for a young mans life and I sit at home in comfort with my family overindulging, thinking about these people.

I felt awful that my child would wake up without me there but in perspective the sick folk and my colleagues were in more need than my overindulged daughter!! I hope she can grow up with empathy and compassion and realise that Christmas is the perfect opportunity to give a little more of ourselves and think a little less about ourselves for once.
Merry Christmas x x

this time last year

This time 2 years ago, granny died. I was spending the day with a man I should not have been with. Someone who didn't really care what was going on. Who knows what he wanted out of me?

A year later I was spending time alone at home with flu while this man took another lover. I was heart broken and confused and suspicious. I was right.

This year, my husband has taken me back and I'm baking cakes to raise money for 3 women's cancer charities. I'm not wallowing in grief and self pity. I miss Gran more than ever but I know she's in a better place. Like me. A much better place.

ho Hum

Well, I cannot believe it's Christmas in almost a week. Still got things to do and not getting them done!!

Mainly because I can't be bothered! Another reason is I haven't time. Working quite a lot recently and it takes it out of me with little energy or time left for the mundaneties. we have to cram everything into 2 days it's mad.

Next week involves a lot of baking. I've decided to give cakes and cookies as presents to the adults as I'm too skint for presents. But it takes a lot of time to do. I enjoy doing it but not under pressure. Tuesday is another Women v cancer cake sale so I'll be baking from Sunday for that! A few early mornings and long days coming up interspersed with night shifts!

At least I am on holiday the week after new year and we are going to a log cabin near here for some r and r. We rarely get time together as a family thanks to my husbands place of work. I am grateful he has a job but they dictate our life's completely, it makes me so cross!

www.quarrywalkpark.co.uk I hope it's as good as it looks!!!

My next baking adventure is whoopie pies. Supposed to be the next big thing after cupcakes. And much easier to do, if you get them right!!

Made it back alive.

Well, I made it back from Scotland alive. My car was eventually freed by a tow from Richards friend, thank goodness but it's now making a decidedly funny noise so needs looking at. Which will no doubt cost money! Money that I haven't got. It's quite busy at work so there is extra shifts but it's trying to fit them in without missing out on too much sleep......

It was lovely being away from home in a way as I forgot all about bills, money, work, how much I have to do etc etc and now I'm back it's all back again. Its not the same cleaning your own house as it is cleaning someone else's that's for sure. I hate cleaning my own yet didn't mind doing Trudy's house as I knew how grateful she would be that it was clean and tidy when she got back. The stack of ironing in the lounge is enough to send me running alone!!!

I also dread the prospect of doing so many nights. They leave me feeling absolutely rubbish and then it impacts on my home life and I have a short fuse and get really grumpy and cannot be bothered to get dressed let alone do anything else!

I do love this weather if we were prepared for it like other countries are. My car certainly doesn't like this weather at all. The cats aren't so keen either and we've had to put cat litter tray down again as they keep pee'ing in the house!! It was -15 when I came home from work yesterday morning and one of the little blighters had pee'd on the settee!! The cushions of the settee are huge and it had gone all the way through! Little bugger.

My hubby was off yesterday so we decided to go out for a bit together as we haven't seen a great deal of each other recently. Nipped to Costco where I bought some supplies for the cake sale in a couple of weeks time. Then I couldn't get what I needed so we headed into town. I was dressed for the Arctic and the Westfield centre is always overheated so I could only last an hour there before melting! We then had an impromptu visit to the pub and had fish and chips for lunch and I had a lovely big glass of Malbec! Needless to say when I got home I went straight to bed and didn't wake up until 10p.m! My poor daughter has hardly seen me in a week and won't be too chuffed that I have to go to work tonight either and potentially tomorrow as well!!

Still when the devil drives..........

Icicles

Today is freezing everywhere I think but I can see some sign s of a melt happening.
The boys are falling out every hour or so and I think that's normal? I wouldn't know I only have one child! The little girl is a sweety and much better today. No chundering and being cute and cheeky. I love her Scottish accent. So cute. I've painted her nails, not sure mum would approve but there's always nail varnish remover 8-0
The boys are meant to be going for a sleep over if Rich's friend can make it without too much hassle. If not I may be in for a tricky evening!!! Bribery may be the way forward I feel!
I'm very much making myself at home here. I'm drinking their booze, eating their food, wearing the lady of the houses socks and cardigans (s'ok she's my best mate) wearing the man of the houses slippers, my feet are like blocks if ice!! Good job they have a new washing machine or I'd have to wear her pants and jeans! Well I wouldn't actually as she is 2 sizes smaller than me! Wouldn't that be a hoot. I'd have to wear Richards extra large track suit bottoms. Gorgeous!! Perish the thought.
I was going to attempt a trip to the cinema but it's bloomin freezing and slippy out there. I'm bad enough on 2 feet without adding ice to the picture!!

Mamma Mia

Here we go again.....rudely awoken by the eldest children shouting 'she's gonna puke, Nita, she's gonna puke'! Which sure enough she did. Poor wee sausage.
Luckily a friend of Richards (the man if the house) came over to entertain the boys a bit and bless him, he cleared the drive for me to try and get my car on it as the streets ate chocker with snow. I went down to
Move my car but no avail. The tyres just skid like a dog on Lino. I daren't move it in case it gets stuck in a worse place. At least it's not in the way there. Knead hoping to be able to nip to the shop for a sneaky bottle of plonk! Port again tonight!!

The boys came back from the park and were more hyper than yesterday! Hopefully tomorrow we'll be able to get out to somewhere as long as Edie is not being sick we should be able to. Only 2 more days to try and entertain them thankfully. We had dominoes pizza for a treat tonight, how expensive??? The boys asked for pepperoni but actually only Finlay likes it so the other 2 picked the sausage off then didn't actually eat it anyway!

They shall have it for lunch and tea tomorrow as well!

Edie wanted to watch Mamma Mia yet again so we subjected to that. If I didn't know the words to Abba songs then I do now!!
There is supposed to be more snow tonight :-/ and it's really comd out there which won't be good if it freezes as it's harder to drive on frozen snow :-@ looks like I may be here for some time!!

House arrest

Well today started out with sick! Cocoa pops consumed then advent calendar sweet then little girl heads upstairs to the boys bedroom and puked on the duvet and the shag pile rug!!lovely. Wouldn't be so bad but no washing machine in the house. That was due to be delivered today a d considering there had been another 4 inches of snow overnight, I thought it was highly unlikely it would be here today. So I set about washing the sick off what I could before number one son puked from the smell of it.
Ithen went out to clear the path just in case the delivery guys managed to get here as the path up to the house is high and lots of steps and slippy!
Just as I was clearing the path the delivery men arrived and bless them they managed to get the machine in and plumbed it in and the old one out! I gave them cake to take with them as they refused a cuppa because there was so many other deliveries to do, they didn't have time.
Yay now I Can wash pukey stuff!
Went out to finish clearing the path when grandparents arrived with much needed milk and bread and other goodies!
Hurrah successful day!
Only thing missing is vino! Thought it may be a bit inappropriate to ask the grandparents to stick a bottle of cab sav in!!

Oh well there is always a snifter or 2 of port to be had :-)

snow snow snow

I drove up to Falkirk yesterday in the snow (not a good idea)The M6 was fine up to Shap and then oh boy, even I was nervous driving through it. One lane open and 20 tonne trucks overtaking me!!! Nutters. All very well for them, they could squash me like a fly and wouldn't even realise it!

It got a bit hairy on the m80 took, after I'd taken a wrong turn through some road works and ended up on an industrial estate then found my way back thanks to satnav!! It was getting very late. Just after midnight I managed to get back on track but then ground to a halt wehn a car got stuck and needed towing out the way. The other lanes were blocked with snow and we had to wait for the plow to come and clear a path.

We only had to wait 15 minutes or so and then on the way again. The SatNav is telling me 'at the next roundabout take the second exit' What roundabout??? I couldn't even see one! Thank goodness it was late and there were no other cars about.

Buy twenty to 1 I managed to get to muy destination but then there was a problem of where to leave the car! I tried, in vain, to get the car up the road to my friends house but got stuck, so I reversed out and tried the next street but there was nowhere to park. The pavements are covered in 2 foot of snow so I couldn't even put it out the way! I attempted to put the car 'out the way' a little but realised it perhaps wasn't the best place then tried to reverse out.....erm nope that wasn't going to happen! Forward?? erm nope that wasn't going to happen either. I got out the car and checked I wasn't totally blocking the road or drives and it seemed ok and it was nearly 1a.m so thought f it and left it! When the snow clears it may well be parked in the middle of the road!

My friends had gone to bed and I was pretty bushed myself so hit the hay. It had been a long drive, concentrating so had for so long (no puns please!)

Trudy (whom I am visiting) turns 40 today and her husband had booked a hotel and flights to Marrakesh for it. Her parents were supposed to fly up and look after the kids but the airport is closed and not surprisingly won't drive up. So I thought I would!!! It can't be that bad can it?? er yeah 3 foot of snow everywhere! The roads are a nightmare and the schools are closed too it's that bad!

It's bloomin freezing and I've raided Trudys wardrobe already for winter woolies and nicked Richards slippers as mine are in the car. I couldn't manage to carry everything up the hill last night in the snow so left behind unessentials. Turns out slippers are essential as my feet are like ice!!! And I'm totally unsuitably dressed for the weather too. I thought I was prepared but sadly not.

Trude and Rich are at the airport now and have checked in but their plane is 'indefinately delayed' so it looks like we'll have to have a house party instead!!! yay.

Right must be off and entertain children!!

Talents

I watched a programme the other day where this 15 year old boy played the piano like he'd Bern playing all his life. He wrote his own piece to play plus could listen to something then play it back straight away. He said the notes were like colours in his mind. He had no desire to play the piano, ever but just knew he could do it so when he tried it he was a natural.

Why has he got this ability? How does he do it? What if we had talents we didn't know about that were hidden? How do we get them out? People practice for years and don't come half way near his talent. Should they give up? Should they persevere even if it takes over their lives and makes them feel bad?

I always wanted a chocolate Labrador but couldn't afford it. I wanted one for years, then I finally got one and it wasn't at all as I expected. She was hard to train, dirty, hairy and smelly but I knew that because I grew up with labradors but then I guess mum always did the cleaning stuff and hoovering. It shattered my dream and left me feeling a tad let down.

Same as parenthood. Thought I was going to be earth mother, all singing all dancing yummy mummy. Erm, no. I do the basics. It's not how I imagined.
I always wanted to be a writer but don't have the discipline to sit and write and it always sounds better In my head!

I don't have any talents I know of as yet but I'd love to be able to sing, dance, climb, play piano, guitar, whisper to horses! Does everyone harbour secret desires like this? Do they day dream of being great artists, singers, pianists whatever??

Why are sone people good at things they hate doing as well? Accountants who are excellent with figures but hate accounting who dream of being marine biologists but failed miserably at biology at school. Or the cook who dreams of being a singer but is tone deaf? Why do we dream about things which are out of our reach?

The mother who hates being a mother while the childless woman prays for a baby. There's not a lot you can do about it once you have children, a child. They are not like dogs who can be re-homed if you find it's not to your satisfaction or you split up so the dog has to go. A child is for life.

Why then doesn't the childless lady just say 'ok, I can't have kids, what shall I do now?' she doesn't. She will drive herself nuts thinking about it and trying over and over for that elusive baby. Human minds, your best friend or your worst enemy.

I always thought if you got what you thought you wanted that would be it. Settle down, chill. What if what you thought you wanted isn't what you need though?

Why do we get what we want but not what we need?
How do we know what we need?

Mum

I want to ask my mum stuff about me and my childhood. But I can't. She isn't here anymore. Wretched cancer. A friend said yesterday 'what goes around comes around' when talking about what a little shite I was as a child. Well if that's the case I'm screwed. I was a devil and got worse as a teenager.
I never thought I'd be like my mum was when I became a mum but I'm just like her in some respects. She hated school plays and it upset me when she didn't enjoy coming to see me perform but now that shoe is on my foot I totally understand.

I wonder what she really thought of me? I tell Hope how I'm feeling and how she makes me feel all the time so she'll grow up knowing at least what went on inside my head. Maybe she couldn't actually tell me because it would have been hurtful but she never once told me she loved me even when I sobbed on her chest that I loved her as she was dying. She just said ' I know you do, I know'. Maybe that was her way of telling me she loved me? But if I love someone I tell them and I don't band it around like it's in abundance.
You get into my heart and you'll stay there for a very long time if not forever and I would do anything for you within my power to make life ok for you.
Guess I will just have to wonder about Mum. I hope in the future less and less people have to sit and wonder about their parents who died too young.

Chuffin annoying stuff.

What is bugging me today? Well, the bloody rain for a start. Trying to get out the house with a stroppy 7 year old is bad enough but when there's rain involved too, well.....
I'm so very bored I'm resorting to ironing and cleaning!!!

Fruit: how bloody annoying. Just been shopping and the stuff goes off in a nano second. Going to shops with said sprog results in much pestering, arguing and falling out so getting fresh fruit everyday is a pain!!

Other peoples children raiding my fridge!!!! Boot up the behind. Adious amigos!! Cheeky buggers.
Anyway I resetting the day and starting again. Shower and out the house to pay in some lovely lolly to my fund from 2 very special people who helped by one of them being waxed. Thanks to Dave and Becky Brant. Bloody good friends x

Eat, pray, love.

I have just read this book by Elizabeth Gilbert and it was just fantastic. I thought it would be a pious ‘born again Christian’ type of thing but it was not that at all. It was enlightening and informative and moving.

The author finds herself in a situation she feels she should be in but does not want to be in and to get out of it has to go through great personal torment and upset to do it. She goes against tradition.

I have fought tradition for a while now. You grow up thinking, find a man, get married, have babies and have a family and that’s you, well that’s how I grew up anyway. There never was divorce in my family, well there was one. But it was always get married, have kids, that’s you. I was a rebel, a black sheep. I wanted to travel, I didn’t know what I wanted to do. I thought I should have a career and going from job to job was the sign of a loser.

So I became a nurse, good move. I could travel as a nurse and so for a year I did. My family couldn’t understand why I wanted to go. I wanted liberty and to see the world. It opened me up as a person and gave me a confidence I would never have gained any other way.

I hope that my daughter will want to do it too. I will encourage her and hopefully manage to travel a bit with her maybe? If she’ll have her embarrassing mother next to her!

Reading Glbert’s book made me want to pack my rucksack up and head off. It was so simple living out that bag. You couldn’t buy anything because you had to carry it so the more you bought the heavier the rucksack. I had 3 pairs of pants and 3 pairs of socks! Wear one, wash one and one pair drying. It was ace because now with all the pants and socks I have, can I bloomin’ well find a matching pair of socks or indeed a pair of pants when I need them? Nope. I never had that problem travelling.

 

One pair of shoes! One, maybe 2 if you had flipflops. You didn’t have to worry about what you wore out, you wore the same thing to work in as you wore to the pub! I had a uniform for work and it rarely got ironed. I work caterpillar work boots for work! It was just a minimalist existence and boy was it great. The amount of crap I accumulate now in pursuit of ‘happiness’ astounds me. 

How many games consoles? How many pairs of shoes? Coats?

Things, just stuff. Amazing.

I have to have a stable environment now for my daughter but my feet are itching terribly to get going again. There’s so many places to see yet. Let me at them!!!

Fun’ draising

Well, the leg waxing went well! Thanks to everyone who got involved with it. Namely my hubby Bruce who raised nearly £150! And my friends hubby has raised over £200 too so all in all with the raffle, with kind donations from local places The Bridge Centre who donated a £30 voucher and Mickleover Court Hotel donated a voucher for a meal for 2, the Midlands Co-Op gave me a £10 voucher to raffle off. My lovely work friend offered to make one of her special cakes for one of the winners and my brill hairdresser gave me a voucher for a cut and blow dry at the ace salon Cocco on Peel street in Derby (blatant advertising!) the event raised nearly £600 woo hoo!!!!

I haven’t much on the cards at the moment except a couple of bake sales which always go really well as people lurve cake!!!

 

My time at the mo is taken up chilling and reading and small person entertaining. It’s been nice to take some time off it actually but my mo jo is coming back so I’ll once again be back on 2 wheels and scrounging money off folk!!!

Perv Doctor

Well, in the last couple of weeks I attended a hearing for the GMC (General Medical Council) and gave evidence againgst a doctor whom I went to see as a teenager and was suffering from depression and self harming.

My GP had refered me to this consultant as he was 'a good friend' of his. I didn't much like my GP but I trusted him. My family knew I had self harmed but I was too embarrased to tell them I had been refered to a psychiatrist.

I went to the appointment alone in a clinic I had never visited before. I went into the room alone and Dr Andrew Clayton and I were alone throughout the appointment. Not once did he ask if I'd like a chaperone. He discussed why I had been refered to him and asked me if I was sexually active and how many times a week I had sex. Which I thought was odd.

Worse was to come. He then said that cancer could cause depression and he wanted to examine my breasts. I was horrified but I was young and too polite (??) to object so he examined my breasts. He never talked about treatment, councelling or anything else after the examination and said if I needed to come back to make an appointment or go and see my GP.

I got out of there as quickly as possible with no intention of ever going back. I wasn't about to tell my GP that his friend had examined me inappropriately. I decided if this was the way to treat a depressed teenager then I would have to face it alone and never asked for specialist help again.

I was put on antidepressants a year later after I could no longer cope with the symptoms but had been too scared to go to my GP in case he sent me to a specialist again. I never told anyone about what happened until years later.

In 14 years I struggled with the debilitating symptoms of depression and battled along myself as best I could, falling at the wayside occasionally and climbing the steep slopes out the pits I fell in. On my own, no help.

It wasn't until I was pregnant with my daughter that I had to go and see a psychiatrist. My GP (a different one) felt I was too ill to be treated under his care and got an urgent referal.

I was pleased to see it was a female doctor and I told her why I hadn't seen a specialist in all these years. She made a note of it and said I could report it if I wanted but it was up to me. I was desperately ill and heavily pregnant, I could barely get up in the morning I wasn't about to open that can of worms.

So I kept quiet. I hadn't the strength to fight it myself.

A few years later I got a letter from my psychiatrist asking if I would give evidence against Dr Clayton for a hearing of his employers, Southern Derbyshire Mental Health services, of which he was joint Medical Director from 1993-2006.

I and others gave our evidence against Dr Clayton, although I did not appear in front of the committee and he was suspended from the Trust in 2008, 5 years after I had told my psychiatrist of Dr Claytons misconduct toward me.

Dr Clayton was also found to have child pornographic images on his computer and sentenced to a community order with a supervision requirement for 3 years and a programme requirement(attendance on a sex offenders group work programme). He is on the sex offenders register for 5 years.

I thought that to be the end of it but then the GMC held a fitness to practice hearing of which I attended.

I also found out that the GMC held a hearing against the Trust Dr Clayton worked for to determine whether they could have done more to prevent Dr Clayton commiting these acts and protecting people. They were found not guilty and let off.

I reported him to a psychiatrist in 2003 and he wasn't suspended until 2008! They didn't do enough. I could have done more but I didn't know how to and thought I would be fighting this battle alone. My word against his and I didn't have the strength to do it.

I never once heard a good word said about Dr Clayton. The words 'pervert' 'nonce' and 'slimey' were only ever used. But that was just hearsay, albeit I agreed with the words I had no real evidence against him.

I heard yesterday he has been struck off the register. Yay!!! But he could still practice anywhere in the world and have access to children anywhere. It doesn't bare thinking about.

I suffered because of his actions on my own for 14 years until I was so ill I was nearly admitted to hospital. Maybe I wouldn't have gotten any better care with anyone else, maybe I would but I wasn't allowed the chance because I was too scared of the consequences. I have had to battle to get the treatment I was entitled to even after I was taken seriously by a lovely psychiatrist but that was at the hands of GP's.

It shouldn't have to be that way, for anyone.

If you think you won't be heard, shout louder. If someone abuses their position, report them. Don't do what I did and suffer in silence. It could cost you your life.

Bad times

I having a bad time time at the moment. Life seems really hard and for no particular reason I have hit a brick wall.

My fybromyaligia is playing up big time so I'm in a lot of pain and have no energy. I feel like I have constant overwhelming PMT. I'm irritable, can't sleep, either too hot or too cold, restless, in agony, feel sick and dizzy.

The pain is a constant but everything else comes and goes. My head hurts, my teeth hurt, my gums, my neck, my back, my stomach and no amount of pain relief helps. And my 'dancing legs' are going mad all the time and driving me nuts!!

I can't even think about exercising at the mo and I'm trying to lose weight so have started a diet, which doesn't help me when I'm feeling dizzy or faint but to put even more weight on would be awful.

I just need some time out from it all I think then I'll be right as rain, I hope.

I've been overdoing it I think and just had a relapse so a holiday will do me good.

Chasing Barbie

Wow what a weekend.

I just completed the Moonwalk 2010 for Breast cancer awareness. It has come round so quickly. It seems like only a couple of months ago I was signing up for it.

I must admit walking would not be my ideal choice of exercise. It’s ok in groups, with friends etc but walking on my own was soooo boring. Hence the lack of training!

I had my bra and kit ready though and had some lovely trainers to go with my outfit but made a school boy error of forgetting one!!!

The bra is supposed to be cupcakes and the skirt had cupcakes on it.

Luckily my mate and her husband have the same size trainer so I nicked Richards! Thanks love!!

I got some much needed advice from a fellow Kenya cycler, Jackie and thanks to her I was more prepared.

I have been training since January for other events so it wasn’t quite as bad I it could have been! The atmosphere was great and there were thousands of people there (lots more toilets needed!!).

I had to be in the Moonwalk ‘village’ (large pink tent surrounded by a metal fence) by 21.30 so had to hang about a bit before the start. It was bloomin’ freezing but the space blankets and plastic rain macs helped. The weather was great though and I was very thankful it didn’t rain!

The food was also rather nice. The whole event was extremely well organised.

I set off in the second group around ten to midnight. The first few miles through Edinburgh city and in the dark through Hollyrood Park, seemed to just fly by.

It didn’t even really get dark. I’m used to staying up all night so felt fine being awake. After a few miles I plugged in my head phones and kept up a good pace.

By mile 13 I started to feel a bit tired and was surviving on energizing bars and glucose shots (YUK). There was plenty of water handed out on the night so never had to carry too much.

But the loo thing was a problem. We weren’t supposed to pee anywhere other than the loos but it put a good 3/4 of an hour on my time in the end. I just wanted to pee and move on. Mind you whilst waiting to pee I saw Lorraine Kelly! Woo

After mile 13 it got really hard work and miles seemed to stretch out but the sun rising over the sea was just gorgeous and worth the pain.

My feet felt fine, it was my hips and knees that hurt.

I was needing the loo again and as luck would have it I nipped into a public loo and got straight in no queuing.

The bad thing about breaking was that you had to try and over take all the people you had spent the last few miles overtaking!  Even stopping to sort out a foot, saw loads of people speeding past I had already passed before.

One particular girl who was skinny as and speeding on kept passing me so I endeavoured to catch her. And did, somehow. Then She would be in front again! By mile 20 i gave up trying and no matter how hard I willed my legs to go faster they wouldn’t and managed to finish in just under 8 hours.

Next year I’ll be faster!!!!

I feel ok now and raring to go but we’ll see what I feel like tomorrow. Post exercise fatigue usually skips a day!

Thanks to Rich Broadley for the trainers, Trude and Rich for putting us up, Bruce for driving me there, meeting me and bringing much needed coffee!!

Thanks to the organisers and the poor volunteers who had to clean up after the lazy buggers who threw their rubbish everywhere!!!

Doh schoolboy error

I thought I'd try out my 'Moonwalk' kit whilst in the comfort of the house. Whilst searching through my bag I realise I've forgotten one trainer!!! Doh.
Thankfully my best mate and her husband take my size shoe! So after a rush of trying on various trainers I finally settled on Richard's new Brooks trainers!! Nice.
It's bloomin freezing! So wearing a bra and little else is not a wise idea still no pain no gain!
:-)

Emotional high

Well, what’s been happening?

I managed to get in the paper, the Derby Evening Telegraph ran a piece on me doing the Race for Life at Darley Park. Which was good. Hope it managed to generate some interest to other readers and got them to sign up!

I’ve also booked a cake sale at the hospital and a friend from work volunteered to help me with it! Got some groovy things to help sell the cakes too.

Hopefully for the leg waxing night we will be having a band and I have sent out begging letters asking for raffle prizes. Nothing back yet but it’s early days.

I’ve also bagged a bike’athon at my gym when they have an open day in August.

I made some cakes the other day and got about £10 in my tin for them! Someone asked if Hope had helped decorate them! 'Nope ‘twas I! I need some lessons!

I was pledged £50 yesterday too. I was very touched but alas was thinking about it so much and fundraising etc that I knocked a guys wing mirror off his car so now have to pay for that :-o

Darn it.

A colleague gave me a bag of clothes his daughter wanted rid of and most of them were very ebayable so I sat last night doing that. Let’s hope it brings in some dosh!

I’ve just reached over £200 now so am chuffed.

Hopefully the leg wax, cake stand and cycle thon will add to that total nicely!

Also hope Spain or Argentina win the World Cup as they are the 2 teams I have left over in the sweepstake!

hehe…….

Moonwalk next Sat eeek but at least I’ll get to see the Broadleys:-)

Phew at last back on the bike!

I didn’t think I was ever going to get back on it!

The bruises are finally subsiding thanks to arnica!

Day one and painful.

Day 5 and looking awful and feeling painful!

Day 6 and thankfully pain is subsiding at last!!

 

Think I had the equivalent  of a ten  mile an hour car crash! Sure I had concussion too. Felt really weird for days. Nothing new there.

Wasn’t sure I’d get back on the bike for ages but finally managed it on Monday.

Hope and I zipped off to my brothers and we headed down the canal from Stretton to Shobnall and had a tootle round Branston water park and the kids had a play on the swings.

The banks were strewn with lots of fowl babies. So cute.

so lovely to see. And of course we were very respectful and passed them carefully and didn’t frighten them.

We had lunch at The Bridge Inn at Branston.

Beautiful real Italian food made by the Italian owner. Wonderful.

The trip was enough for Hope’s little legs as we headed back to Stretton via Shobnall playing fields.

I’m looking forward to getting back on track with my fitness regime. It’s the moonwalk in Edinburgh in 3 weeks time so when that is over I can concentrate on biking full stop!!

I’ve had the local media ringing me about being in the paper which is cool. For the Race for Life, so hopefully I’ll be in the paper for that really soon.

The fundraising isn’t going too well but people are trying to help out which is nice. A colleague made a cake at work and charged 20 p a slice which went down really well. How lovely is that?

Next year will be full on fundraising as people think it’s too far away just yet to even part with their money I guess. Plus I have so many other events coming up they can’t keep track!

I’m looking for a mountain bike now so I can do the Chase properly and hopefully not injure myself this time!

What a numpty.

Silver foxes and a total wipe out.

I’d been planning on going to Cannock Chase for some time but one of my work colleges persuaded me to give it a go and I went determined to give mountain biking a shot even though I had tried it once before and it had scared me to death and I was ill equipped to go.  My bike is a hybrid and has thin tyres. Hardly suitable for the terrain and with no suspension it was totally unsuitable but I thought I would give it a go. How hard could it be?

We were going to ‘follow the dog’.

 

My colleague had warned me about some of the hard bits so I was a little prepared and my OH went ahead to warn me of obstacles coming up.

It’s hard work and takes a lot of concentration and hard work on the upper body. The trail through the trees is really tight in places and coordinating brakes, body position, peddle position, gears and speed takes a lot of work and sometimes I got it wrong!

My peddles when in the down position would catch on stumps or rocks and throw me sideways. The slopes down are often followed quickly by steep slopes up and sometimes i missed a gear change and lost  momentum and ended up stopping dead on a steep slope. The bends were really tight between the trees negotiating my big wheels round the bends was hard.

There is a  steep long climb too. A real lung buster, needless to say I stopped twice going up it!

It doesn’t look that bad from this pic but believe me it was a killer.

There are some parts where the dirt path turns onto steps then thin wooden bridges. I didn’t have the guts to go over these when I saw them and came to a sudden stop and walked down them!

(I nicked this picture of the boardwalk off the net!)

However, further on the track I didn’t have the chance to stop as the steps come upon you quickly and before you know it you’re going over them!

Scary but exhilarating.

The worst parts I found were the sandy/gravelly tracks which wound  snake like down the hill because you have to go slightly on an angle on the side of the track and keep your speed up to avoid slipping or skidding. It seemed to go forever and I was grateful when it was over!

That’s not me by the way! I wasn’t going that fast!

I stopped on a bit like this and realised someone was coming up behind me so had to scramble out the way sharpish!

I’d stopped further up the track as well, in the trees and pulled over to have a drink when 3 guys came whizzing down on top spec bikes. They must  have been in their 60’s! Owned by silver foxes!

We followed them further down the track and luckily my OH got off his bike and walked down to where the silver foxes were having a break. It was a steep and messy and I was relieved to walk down it.

The foxes proceeded to tell me that my bike was all wrong for the course and the terrain. Erm, yep I had gathered that but there was no going back now!

The only way was forward and I was determined to show them I was going to make it to the end in one piece!

We got to an easier bit and could rest a bit a bit and then Bruce shouts ‘rollers ahead’ what the heck were rollers? Well I was about to find out! They are very large close together humps about a metre high. They looked easy and Bruce steamed over them so I followed. Nothing to skid on, no tight bends.

I picked up speed over the first 2 humps and then on the way up the third I realised I was going really fast and flew over the top of the hump and panicked. I think I slammed my breaks on and hit my front wheel head on to the ground. I flew forward towards the ground and as if in slow mo I saw the ground coming towards my face and thwack, smacked my head hard on the ground. I came to a stop and assessed the damage. My handle bars were wedged  between my thighs and one was stuck in my bladder region!

Bruce realised I wasn’t approaching him so dumped his bike and came to my rescue. He untangled me from the bike and got me up. Luckily I was off the track a guy came tanking over the hill and shouted in passing ‘you ok? You need help?’ I said ‘I’m fine thank you, don’t worry’ to his departing image as he flew off.

I was covered in dirt and had a few cuts and bruises and an egg on my forehead but apart from that I was fine, thank god. No broken bones!

My pride was the worst thing hurt then as I was determined to see those guys and show them I had made it round unscathed. But alas I wouldn’t be able to :-(

My bike was fine apart from a few battle scars. My new bike computer and glasses were scratched. Every pair of glasses I own are scratched on the left lens right in front of my eye! Every single pair and now these. Gutted.

Still I’m in one piece thank goodness. Feel a bit spaced out and drunk but not in a good way!

My head hurts and my neck is as stiff as a board and I feel like I've been in a car crash but I shall definitely be going back but with a decent mountain bike and body armour!

doesn’t look bad but it hurts!

Man or woman???

When I was a child Mum insisted on giving me snd my brother the same hair cuts. Short back and sides. I was often mistaken for a boy then. So I grew my hair and had what I thought was this beautiful head of blonde hair. Then mum made me have it 'trimmed' then it went frizzy and dark :-(
Starting senior school is always a but traumatic but I hated it. I was given enough money every day to get a proper dinner. So I'd eat properly but the girls I went in with would eat really quickly and leave me to finish mine alone and I'd sometimes be subjected to sitting with older kids who would snicker and make jokes so I would leave my dinner and walk round til the bell went and back to class. The final straw came in the dinner when a boy in my brothers year asked 'are you a boy or a girl?' and I was standing in the queue alone humiliated. He knew who I was and knew damn well I was a girl(partly because the skirt gave it away). I couldn't eat my dinner that day as I had a lump in my throat which felt the size of a tennis ball trying not to cry. I stopped going in for lunch after that.

I bloody hated school. Kids are so mean!!
When I started my nurse training I had dyed blonde hair, longish and kept that for quite sone time with not much bother. It's not until I cut it off and darken it that the trouble begins.
I had it really short and black once and at the local shop the assistant asked ' what CSM I get you sir?' I was mortified. Not long after that I went away for a TA weekend to try it out. Again I got called a 'lad' and when I complained one of the guys on the trial weekend said 'well, you shouldn't dress like a bloke then'. I had a fleece and trousers on!

Whilst travelling in Scotland with an ex of mine, his sister and her friend (they both had long hair and were very slim)we went into a pub and were greeted by the locals. All were half cut and it was only 2 in the afternoon. One guy asked my ex 'which one if these 2 beauties us yours then?'. He looked at the floor in shame and said 'actually I'm with her' and pointed to
me. I had a woolley hat on as it was freezing so I looked crap anyway and hadn't bothered with makeup either. The other 2 girls were made up with their hair done looking good. The guy laughed and asked if my ex was desperate! I went off and hid in the corner minus the hat snd left them at the bar. After a few minutes the guy pipes up ' actually she's not so bad son if she made something of herself like'.

A lot of people have also said that they have been surprised on seeing my husband and didn't expect him to be 'quite so trendy and good looking'. What does that say about me then???

Most recently, just when I think all the 'bloke' comments are out the way I get another. I was on my bike going to see him at his work and one of the staff said 'who's this bloke coming up the drive on a bike?' no wonder dad didn't introduce me and made me go and sit in the garde
!!!

Greenfly bra!

Determined to do a big bike ride today. So after dropping the sproglet off I set off on my journey.

Wasn’t entirely sure where I was going yet but I took my usual route towards Findern, a pretty little village not far from me and it’s on the road is nice and quiet, mostly.

I love going past this cottage. It’s so pretty. Pity the sun wasn’t shining on it.

From here I travelled towards Willington. Past the marina, which has a beautiful cafe looking out over it. Sadly, I had no time, or money to stop for some of their lovely cake.

Through the village and on towards Eggington and Hilton.

My Dad lives at Hilton but being a fine day he was out working so I rode over to where he works, at a residential home near the Tara Buddhist centre. The centre is an old school house set in beautiful gardens and woods. It’s a very relaxing place and I have had many a session meditating there but cannot subscribe to the Buddhist theory so stopped going. It made me feel terrible to think I had to be mindful of everything. I have to saw I wasn’t mindful of the greenfly stuck down my top today!

After a quick natter with pops it was onto the village of Sutton on the hill then Longford.

Coming out of Longford and heading back towards Radbourne is a killer ride with lots of hills. I tried to photograph them but the photographs don’t do them any justice.

They are truly evil!

The brow of the hill in this photograph is actually just opposite the house you can see in the distance. The last little bit in the foreground of the photo is very steep and an absolute killer!

Off then towards Kedleston Hall where I stopped for a wee while with the sheep (and their poo) and thistle up my bum! I didn’t actually go to the hall as it was further up the path and I was keen to get moving.

The hill I had just coasted down for ten minutes was absolutely mobbed with greenfly. They sounded like torrential rain hitting my jacket. At the bottom of the hill I stopped and was covered. Wish I’d zipped my jacket up to the neck as I had a ton of them in my cleavage :-0 I could feel them crawling about, so forgive me Buddha but they got squidged!

I decided then in my wisdom to head back up the hill I had taken ten minutes to coast down! What?? It was like an out of body experience. Maybe I have a split personality with masochistic tenancies?

Anyway it was a gradual incline and looked worse than it actually was.

I then headed towards Radbourne again and on towards Mickleover where I joined the Sustrans route 54 towards Egginton. This is a disused railway track and makes an excellent ride through some beautiful countryside. Quite busy with cyclists today too.

Getting off at Eggington Junction I headed back towards Willington and I was running out of steam and had finished my water too so decided to head home for a well earned cuppa (a couple of biscuits)! I think I deserved it as I had clocked up 70k.

Willington.

Panic attacks and bad dreams.

It's not going too well. It doesn't help I haven't been out on my bike much for days. And I should be in bed now in fact after my night shift but I searching for bike parts I can't afford.

I'm skint and so is everyone else. Saturdays carboot sale proved that. I raised a whopping £29.00 woo hoo, not. 6 hours and 29 quid. Better than nothing but still I was hoping for more. People were haggling over a few pence even after I said it was for charity. Some people were generous but I think I was hoping for a bit more. Most of the ladies in the 2 groups are doing very well with the fundraising. I am barely scraping 200 quid. People have pledged money and are giving me stuff to sell but i really was thinking I might be a little further on in the money stakes.

It's going to be a tough year me thinks.

On a brighter note I actually rather enjoyed the carboot sale and enjoyed somerather yummy home made chutney on my burger from a stall near me. I could hear them talking about about the products to interested parties and it was making my mouth water so I was really grateful when my OH turned up and bought me a burger and a brew and allowed me a pee break!

I sold a stair gate on Ebay and the lady who bought it picked it up and paid for it and gave me a donation then I saw she had already paid so I gave her money back. She kindly offered to let me keep it. How sweet is that?

Everyones broke I know that but I'm really nervous no-one will come to my 'waxing night' and I'll look daft.

People are talking about it a bit at work so that's reassuring.

I also need to do some off road work but my bike is a city bike unsuitable for that. I don't have any cash for another bike so may have to borrow the OH's. His is so uncomfortable though. Saddle like a razor.

I love my bike and it's not bad off road on trails. I guess the only way to find out is try it!!

www.justgiving.com/cupcakekenya

Welcome to the Cycle The Lights fundraising website | HOME | Simon Curtis raising money for Ovarian Cancer on a 6,000 mile journey visiting every on-shore lighthouse around mainland Britain

Welcome to the Cycle The Lights fundraising website | HOME | Simon Curtis raising money for Ovarian Cancer on a 6,000 mile journey visiting every on-shore lighthouse around mainland Britain

mmm maybe it's because I'm on days....

Just thinking whether feeling this good is actually to do with being on days and off nights after 4 years???

Back to nights soon though :-( bugger.

One thing I've noticed recently I've been saying the word 'twat' rather a lot.

I accosted a high school yobo playing havoc on the roads on his way home (surrounded by lots of people) and proceeded to call him a 'twat'. Bad move.

He called me a 'pussy' lots of times. But I wasn't the one who had a leather purse round my neck!!

I find myself saying the word all the time. It's like I have 'twat tourettes' Including calling myself one.

Twat twat twat twat twat repeat as necessary.

Will power

A day off training today. My knees are sore :-(

I’m doing more admin. Crikey this fundraising lark is a full time job! And what a fab job it is. I’m very nervous but excited at the same time.

I’ll feel better when I have reached the £1000 mark I think.

There are good and bad things about being at home all day:

going out to shops and spending too much money.

going out to shops and getting bargains for cycling in!

watching crap tv.

watching crap tv!!

eating too much.

having to fight the urge to sleep!!

Being cold :-(

drinking too much tea and avoiding water!

One fantastic thing about all this exercise is I sleep so well now. I rarely dream these days and that is fantastic. My dreams could sometimes be quite disturbing. I wake up before the alarm too :-*

Not done that for years!!!

I got 2 freebies today too, think I’ll buy a lottery ticket later and maybe………well you never know. Good things come in 3’s eh??

I’m too tired to type!

I’m not giving myself a minutes rest. Sunday I ran the race for life. Now, running for me is a mean feat. I’m no runner. I’m overweight, lots! Have dodgy knees and it just does not come naturally to me at all! Still I trained hard for it and ran virtually all of it except the uphill bit!!  It was a brilliant event and I was really proud to be part of it.

Then, on Monday morning at silly o’clock 7a.m I was at a spinning class! Must remember to take my bucket next time because I was nearly sick! Although I did better this time it was still really hard work and my heart rate was going mental. It’s good for me, it’s good for me and repeat.

I could hardly do anything yesterday and fought all day not to go back to bed. I was well ready by 10 p.m and that’s really unusual for me! Never before midnight normally.

Today, I was determined to get some miles in on the bike so made myself go on it to the hairdressers and then head out for a couple of hours. I chose a hard route to help with training on hills and although the hills were a killer they felt really good and of course bombing down them is wonderful.

The weather as usual was bloomin’ changeable so I was kitted up for rain and when the sun came out I was sweating! Again all good for me. Except I had a new hydration pouch and the water in it tasted of dettle!! yuk.

Pee’ing in a field next to a well used road wasn’t too pleasant either but what is a girl to do? Is that the done thing to do? Or are you supposed to wait to find a toilet? Not sure.

But it was a bit of a struggle trying to get 4 layers up sweaty legs without showing off my derriere too much!! Lucky I wasn’t caught out.

I made my way back home along a disused railway track that Sustrans which is beautiful through the South Derbyshire countryside. I even saw a woodpecker, which was amazing !

The flat path however was not so amazing. It’s a great track but flat and constant peddling after such a hard slog was hard work. Thank goodness the scenery took my mind off it. Going through the gates along the trail gave me a welcome break though :-)

The end of the railway track meets the busy main road to Mickleover and back to cars racing about everywhere.

I use the iphone walkmeter app to monitor my route, which is ace but gobbles the battery so arrived home in time to charge it up again.

It gives you a detailed map of where you have been, time, calories burnt and average speed. I could do with a cycle computer. I shall have to speak to Santa!

Itinerary for Kenya

Day 1, overnight London to Nairobi

 

Day 2. Transfer to hotel in Nyeri (4 hours) then bike fitting and short 5 k ride to Baden Powell's grave (good job I work nights and can stay awake all day and night and day!!!) Stay awake for dinner that night to hear about the ride...yeah right. I'll be asleep in the soup!!!!

Day 3. 98 km cycle.
long steady climb with downhill stretches. after 83 km’s we reach the equator for the first time.

day 4. 57 km.
some uphill climbing. Leaving Nyahururu and head into Subukia Valley. After 14k we stop at a view point over the valley (2550m). From there into Subukia town and then through vast tea plantations. After lunch transfer 140 km to Kabarnet on the edge of the Kerio Valley. Overnight at Hotel Kabernet built by President Moi.

day 5. The most challenging day! 93kms. Climbing the Elgeyo escarpment. 8 km downhill (steep). Around 28 km's we start a 26km climb on windy roads through the forest to the top of the Rift valley. After lunch a gentler ride downhill.

day 6 Eldoret to Kakamega 98ks or 110s if it's been raining. Up to lunch time we cycle on very hilly tarmac roads which undulate through plantations and farms. Some steeper hills when we reach Kapaset. After we cycle on a dirt track past small farms and villages and into rainforest towards Kakamega.

If it's been raining (which is likely) we will cycle on the busy main road for 62km's. Then 34 km along a smaller road entering the Kakamega Forest reserve.

Day 7. Kakamega-Kisumu 53 k
Mainly downhill with some steep climbs. Heading towards Lake Victoria.

End of ride.

day 8 transfer to Nakuru. free time to relax with option of a game drive.

day9. Nakuru to Nairobi.
In the afternoon we will visit Nairobi national park and visit an elephant orphanage. in the evening a night out to the Carnivore barbeque pit and to the Simba Saloon.
Day 9 back to London and reality.

Elephant Orphanage, Nairobi, Kenya

Blasphemous rumours

It just isn't fair is it? There I am struggling at times with dark thoughts of suicide and death and how I can't go on and another women in the country, my home town, my street is being diagnosed with cancer. How bloody fair is that? I wanted to die and they don't.

Well, I didn't really want to die. I wanted the emptiness to end. I wanted to find a way out. What choice does a person with a diagnosis of cancer have? None. They can stay positive and hopeful but they are at the mercy of the gp, to get the right specialist in time. The specialist, the surgeon, the radiographer, the nurses, the hospital etc etc the list goes on.

What am I at the mercy of? Myself and the doctor who prescibes the drugs, albeit the right drugs. The sepcialist if i need to see one. That's it, that's all I have to battle.

How very unfair.

Glutten for punishment

Well I ran albeit on the treadmill for 5 k's today. And it nearly killed me!! Well thats a little dramatic but I was feeling a little faint!!
The race for life is in 10 days time and I'm determined to run it all. We'll see how I get on. Then it's the moon walk in Edinburgh and then I can finally get my teeth into biking!!!

I love covering loads of miles and seeing tons of things and places and it gives me such a buzz, plus I sometimes get to call in at the pub. Always a bonus!

My bike has a sticker on it which says 'runs on apples and bananas'. Mine should say 'runs on merlot and curry'!!!

Napolean Dynamite Dance Original

Bruce's new ride. Shammo

womens work

Just watching a programme on feminism and if women consider themselves to be a feminist.
The women interviewed were asked about their roles and the working ones, full or part time, did more or less all the chores or employed someone to do it!

This has been a massive bone of contention with me for years! Why should the woman in the house do everything? I know it's not like that in all houses but the majority of people I know are the same. The women just do not stop.

Men, apparently don't see what we see. They don't see the dirt and the need for cleaning or that a skirt needs mending or the lawn needs mowing. Surely if you both work then equal resposibility should be taken within the house, without having to ask?????

I know my other half is more than capable of making the place tidier and cleaner than I could ever do so why did i have to nag nag nag to get anything done?

I have to work, I have no choice but I have to work nights because the other halves shifts do not permit me to work day shifts and if I get a day job (monday to friday 9-5) it's me that co-ordinates and pays for the child care. Yet the man just gets up, has a coffee, goes to work then comes home. And does whatever he wants to do. No house work, no chores......

I do feel very lucky I can earn what I earn and have time off too. I love my free time. Something my other half does not get at all. He's always at work. I can go to the gym, meet friends, sleep, watch TV. How good is that? The trade off being I have to sleep sparodically and stay awake 2 or 3 times a week all night. Then the next day i feel like dog meat and am tired beyond belief, ratty, grumpy, tearful.

And if the place is a shite hole, my other half does not ever complain, neither does he do anything about it. And ocassionally I have a blow out and go mental about everything. Things improve for a while then back to square one.

Do I lower my standards? My expectations?

But would I be a stay at home Mum? Never in a million years! In the school holidays I'm under house arrest and cannot go anywhere while my child plays with her friends. In and out the house and when I want to go and run some errands I have to drag her along moaning and groaning.

I love being at home though. I'm a homely bird. To go out to work everyday would be my idea of hell but then dragging my way through an 11 hour night shift 2 or 3 times a week is also hell.

I grew up with Mum being a Mum and Dad being a Dad so i have ideals that a man should be able to look after the family and fix things and mum is the one you go to with ills and poorlys. But equally I want him to know which drawer her school clothes go in and where the plasters are. And I can change a plug and paint a wall and fix things. And I don't mind doing it either.

I do want to be looked after but equally I would look after him if he looked after me. Made me feel safe and secure and loved. I would make him feel loved and cared for and appreciated.

It's a division of tasks these days so both can sit down at the end of the evening with a glass of wine and not resent things not being done. The child care is a division and so is the school run. If he is able to do it he does it, otherwise i do it much of the time. But it's nice to have a break.

Things have changed for us dramamtically and I hope it will last into the future for a long time. I want us to be equal. A team. He's good at some things and i'm good at others. But I want him to be the man and me be girly. Is that possible?

I can survive on my own but it was hard work. Less stressful in some aspects because I had everything the way I wanted it an dnot have to pick up after a man. But then I had no-one to talk to at night. No-one to share the burden. No-one to help me out when my daughter was being a nightmare. No-one to just take the strain.

I found that really tough. Picking up his smalls is a small price to pay!

If we ever did the child thing again then I would give him a shot a being the stay at home parent. Having lived through it, it's had it's good points and I have enjoyed it but now it's time for change........




and what is it with men who 'work from home' who can't fetch the children from school because they are 'at work'??? would a women do that? er nope.

Rescillience

Apparently I should be very rescillient by now with all that has gone on in my life and you know, I think I am becoming more as time goes on!! Does that mean though that I have more to learn or I become immune to things? Hardened? I don't think so, at least I hope not.
Life lessons are to be passed on and used to help others who are going through similar things, maybe?
Some things are beyond our control so we learn how to deal with it. Some things are out of our control and we are left picking up the pieces after but hopefully someone who has learnt the same lesson, like myself will be there to pick up the pieces too.
Cupcake x

tough week

It's been a tough week this week.

Monday i did a spinning class and i think it knocked me for 6. Exercise induced fatigue! Finally by today (friday) I am feeling much better and managed a 4 mile walk in preperation for my Moonwalk http://www.walkthewalkfundraising.org/heros/blog/9713

I can't wait to do it. The skirt has arrived for it and the bra is under construction. Watch this space!

I've checked my eating more towards the end of this week. No gluten! Which makes me poorly and bloats me up. Out tomorrow night and have a limit of 2 large glasses of wine to look forward to. Cannot wait.

Apparently, processed food makes depression worse so thats another good reason not to eat it!!

TTFN
cupcake xx

the end

I wanted you to know the truth. Not the 'masked' version. I wanted to get him out my life, to stop him contacting me like nothing has happened. I knew this would do it.He says it will cause you pain and i'm sorry if it does. He ripped me and you to shreds. I'm not doing it to hurt you. He's done enough of that himself. I'm doing it to keep him from hurting me and my daughter anymore as selfish as it is. I can't let him do anymore damage.

salad

heres ya salad

gaga

"Confess to yourself in the deepest hour of the night whether you would have to die if you were forbidden to write. Dig deep into your heart, where the answer spreads its roots in your being, and ask yourself solemnly, Must I write?"